ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
