what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
