Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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