Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
