I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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