I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough