Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
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