I am midnight drunk by noon
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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