Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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