either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
