TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
