Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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