first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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