Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
