You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
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