I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
