I bet he comes in French.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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