I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
