I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
