Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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