note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
