you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
We had sex on a dog bed..
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
