I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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