Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Randomize
