I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Non-Jews are for practice
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
