I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
