so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Randomize
