One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Randomize
