I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
