Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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