My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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