just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
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