I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
