can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Well I just put wine in my tea
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
