I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize