her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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