i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
