my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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