Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Randomize
