What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
