i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Ambien. No doubt about it.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Randomize
