I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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