Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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