Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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