i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
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