Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.