Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
