dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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