Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
