I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
