you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
He kissed a someone with a penis
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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