I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
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