He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
