I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
